Wednesday, August 28, 2013


One of my housemates is moving out soon, so I thought it'd be a good time to clean out the bottom of the pantry cupboard, which was just a solid stuffed-in-there mass of plastic bags and nylon shopping bags and who knows what else.

Intellectually, I knew there might be cockroaches hiding down there. My boyfriend warned me about them, even saying "Oh yes, please clean it out soon before the eggs hatch." Ew. But see, I didn't grow up with cockroaches; my parent's house is too high up the mountain for them. I think this must be the reason they freak me out so much. Mice? No problem. Snakes and lizards? Adorable! Crickets, grasshoppers, etc? Let's catch them! Roaches? FUCK THAT I'M OUTTA HERE.

So today, keeping in mind my plan to clean the cupboard, my boyfriend got the following emails:

11:37 AM (24 minutes ago)

to D
doo de doo, cleaning cleaning ew gross-
... DIE MOTHERFUCKERS thud thud thud thud thud thud

guh guh guh guh guh


............I borrowed your boot.

That white stuff is their guts all over the floor.

11:42 AM (24 minutes ago)

to D
fuck fuck  fuck fuc kfuck fuck fuck

I saw a big black spider in the corner and went to get the camera to take a picture so I could ask you how dangerous it was before I tried to get it out, but by the time I got back ten seconds later IT WAS GONE THAT BASTARD now I don't know where it is can we move?

[I would hardly bat an eye at black widows, but Australian spiders -except for obvious daddy long legs- make me scream because good god they're so poisonous.]

11:45 AM (22 minutes ago)

to D
NO WAIT found him what is he???
He's that dark splotch on the wall, headed back toward his dirty little nest in the corner

11:56 AM (12 minutes ago)

to me
Don't worry. He didn't bite you for 4 months, so he won't bite you today.
I have added a page into. [the spreadsheet we share to keep track of stuff.] Take a look and tell me what you think.

The new spreadsheet page was labeled "Murdering"

I <3 my boyfriend. But I think I'm making him clean out the next cupboard.

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